Twice Cooked Potato Glop
Serves: For people who like to eat their food twice
4 Baking Potatoes
1 Cup Sour cream
2 Spring Onions
1 Tsp. Pepper
½ Cup Shredded Cheese
3 Tbsp. O.B.S
Prep: Kill 4 potatoes and nuke them in the microwave. Finely chop the onions and carefully open the bag of shredded cheese. Use kitchen scissors if you have bad teeth. Using a sharp knife, slice each potato long ways and scoop out its innards. Be careful not to penetrate it's skin, leaving a hard shell that can stand on its own. Gently place the potato guts in a mixing bowl and add the remaining ingredients. Using a hand mixer, combine all items thoroughly. Turning it on works best. Fill each shell with your fluffy concoction and bake in a pre-heated oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. They are considered perfect if the top forms a crunchy epidermis.
Side Effects: You'll start cooking everything twice.
Beat Your Meatballs
Serves: 4 Hungry Youths Approaching Adolescence
3 Clove Garlic, Minced 2 lbs. ground Beef
2 Eggs 3 Tbsp. Chili Sauce
2 Tbsp. Dried Parsley Flakes 1/2 Tsp. Salt
1/2 Tsp. Pepper 32 Oz. Cocktail sauce
1/2 lb. Brown Sugar 1/2 Jar Grape Jelly
1 Cup White Vinegar 1/4 cup beer
1 Tbsp. O.B.S. Seasoning
Prep: Okay class today we are going to learn about cell division. First, let’s build a cell. Combine the garlic, the ground beef, the eggs, the chili sauce, the salt, the pepper, the parsley flakes, and the O.B.S. Seasoning into a big bowl. If you don’t have a big bowl, line a flowerpot with waxed paper or just spread it out on the counter. Make sure you wash your hands. Beat on the meat and jam your fingers into the conglomeration squishing it all around. Make sure that you get your hands all gooey and sticky. It will come in handy later during some fantasy. Now, divide the mixture in half. Take each half and divide into quarters. Divide each quarter into 2 dimes and a nickel. No, I mean into 2 eighths! Keep this going until you have 80 separate meatballs. (Those of you who are mathematically inclined will reach 128, and those of you who flunked math will have 80.) Meanwhile, combine the rest of the ingredients into a big saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the 80 meatballs to the mixture and simmer for 40 minutes. Stab them with toothpicks and serve.
Side Effects: Congratulations, you're a meat beater.
Big Piece of Round Meat with Colorful Vegetables
Serves: R.O.Y. G. B.I.V.
1 ½ Lbs., Beef Round Steak ½ Cup Flour
2 Tbsp. Cooking Oil 16 Oz. Chopped Tomatoes
½ Cup Onions, quartered 2 Medium Zucchini, Sliced
¼ Cup Water 4 Medium Carrots
3 Red Potatoes, quartered cut in strips
3 Tbs. O.B.S. Seasoning
Prep: Cut the big piece of round meat into 6 interlocking pieces and remove the excess fat. In a plastic bag (one big enough to hold three nicely sized loaded diapers) mix ½ of the flour and 2 tbsp. O.B.S. Seasoning. Place the meat in bag and shake until coated. In a large frying pan, heat the oil and brown the meat. Take the meat from the frying pan and put it into a 2-inch deep baking dish. Place the carrots, onions, and the potatoes on top of the meat arranging them in a cute floral pattern. Add the remaining flour, the water, and the O.B.S. Seasoning to the frying pan you browned the steak in. Mix well and don’t let it scorch. Slow cook as you add the tomatoes stirring constantly until thick. Pour over the ingredients already in the deep dish. Scrape the frying pan with a squeegee to get every drop. (You can find a squeegee on every metropolitan street corner in the summer.) Cover and bake for one hour at 350 degrees. Add the zucchini and bake for 20 more minutes, or until everything is tender. Serve over rice. Cook the rice first. Eat with bread.
Side Effects: Big piece of round bowel movement.
Chicken Woody
Serves: 2 sex-crazed lovers
4 Heaving, Round, Voluptuous Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts
1 14 1/2 Oz. Can Italian Style Stewed Tomatoes
2 Tbsp. Corn Starch
2 Tsp. Pre-Mixed Italian Seasoning
1/4 Cup Grated Parmesan Cheese
1 Tbsp. O.B.S. Seasoning
2 Cold Beers
Prep: Set an ambient tone of sultriness by lighting some candles and playing some soft romantic music. Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. Gently mold the 4 heaving, round, voluptuous, boneless, skinless chicken breasts in a shallow baking pan and caress with your warm fingers. Close your eyes and remember that time when you were in the backseat of the car with that special someone. The electricity was overwhelming, as you were about to experience oral pleasure like you have never before you know, the family was coming back from a visit to the Colonel and you and your brother couldn't believe the smells in the car. The bucket of chicken in the front seat made you crazy, remember? (If needed, take a sip of your cold beer for memory enhancement) Wow, what a flashback!
Now, cover your breasts with foil of an aluminum consistency and bake until moist, tender and succulent (approximately 20 minutes). Combine the stewed tomatoes, Italian seasoning, and O.B.S. Seasoning in a saucepan. Carefully mix the cornstarch and a cup of beer in a plastic cup left over from the neighbor's keg party and stir into the saucepan being careful as not to form lumps. Cook over a low, sensuous, steamy, hot Louisiana August night heat. Uncover your tender breasts and liberally apply tomato mixture. Sprinkle cheese and tease tauntingly for another 5 minutes at 425 degrees. Serve on satin sheets.
Side Effects: Heavy breathing, moaning, prolonged petting, profuse sweating, funny faces, and body positions you would never tell your mother about.
